Follow up to Leaving Teenhelp

     I thought about writing this at the end of December but I finally caught Covid and I started a new job so my anxiety was not doing that well. I have recovered from Covid and I seem to be doing well and loving my new job. I am doing so well that they took me off orientation a week early. It's the perfect role for me and it will help me reach my dream career goal.

    I honestly have been struggling with anxiety the end of December and early January so this blog escaped me. I also don't feel as compelled to write it as I once did because the healing and freedom I have written. So, why am I writing it? Because I have heard about frustrations pertaining to the site that have exemplified the validity and need for me to leave.

    When I left, I had someone tell me I was being angry and confrontational and no one wanted to deal with me. That person then blocked me and did not allow me to respond. My response would have been simple. "It is fine if you feel that way but this is necessary." And, I see that teenhelp has not changed. They still have people in charge that condone ableism, bigotry and all other prejudices. The fact that I am learning it has not changed has allowed me to get validation for leaving. The site won't change. The site is like a mini version of the world. Things are changing but the systems in place and the people don't want too and they continue to live in the past and condone harmful and immoral beliefs.

    I think, when it comes down to it, that is what led me to leave. My ethics and values were in question and I knew I needed to leave because I couldn't continue to speak out against things like bigotry and prejudice if I stayed. One thing I will admit, is there was a period of time where I thought that maybe I could have been less confrontational and more informative. I felt bad about it for a while but the more I evaluated and thought about it, the more I understood that it was necessary. My last job required me to advocate for clients and sometimes you did have to be confrontational. Unfortunately, when you are confrontational and people don't want to acknowledge the issues or change, they try and shut you up or place blame at your feet.. That happened with pretty much everyone on the site. That silence is also, likely a big reason why things won't change. The site is dying and the administrative team is hanging on to the last vestiges of that dying site and by doing so they are hanging on to beliefs and values that are harmful.

    I chose to stop being complicit in that bigotry and I am proud of myself. I don't look back and I don't regret it. When I sent the resignation email, I was so worried I would regret it and stepping away helped me see how toxic the site is and how they aren't a help site. They coddle people and do more harm than good. It took years for me to get to a place where I could step away and then when I did I had all these epiphanies about the toxicity and negativity and harm it does.

    I think that's when I let go of my anger over the situation. I haven't been angry about it in ages. I barely even think about it. I have grown and moved on but I don't hide my feelings or the reasons I left. There might be people on social media who see me continuing to occasionally voice my issues with Teenhelp and it might make them upset but that is okay. Someone has to be open about the harms of the site. It might not make a huge different but it might help some individuals see that others notice the issues that existed/exist. It might validate others own worries, concerns or aggravation with the site.

    I wish nothing but the best for the people that are choosing to stay on the site. I also know that in some people's views I am the villain of the story and nothing that occurred was wrong. The admin team didn't gaslight me or condone transphobia etc. This used to bother me a lot. It doesn't anymore. I am okay with people needing to believe what they need to believe. We all have our own opinions and beliefs on situations. I know I did what was right. I couldn't stay quiet about the bigotr. It is never going to be surprising to see or hear that things haven't changed. I just hope other people will realize that they can't fix it and leave sooner than I did. It isn't worth the aggravation.

   Some people on the site blamed me for the reason the issues wouldn't be resolved but I was right when I knew the site wouldn't change because the admin team condoned that behavior.

    The only thing I regret is losing a friendship that I valued but I don't hold any anger or resentment. I feel sad that was the choice made but I also understand it. For the longest time I thought I needed Teenhelp a lot more than I did and I was blinded to the ableism and bigotry. If the situation that unfolded had happened back when I was blind to it, I probably would have walked away from the friendship too. 

    That's probably the key thing I have taken away from this. I have let go of my frustration and anger. I have accepted it for what it is and I understand that things will not change. It is sad. It will probably always make me sad because Teenhelp could have done some good in this day and age if they were willing to stop condoning bigotry. Not only have I been able to let go of my anger, I have been able to accept that many of the people on the site see me as the bad guy. This is something that I used to always worry about and try to avoid. I worried so much it would sometimes impact my decisions within relationships or my job. That has changed and that growth has been helping me immensely in my new career. I also know it isn't so black and white. I know the reaction I had was necessary but I also look back and realize it was pointless and I should have just left. Trying to fight a system of people that won't speak out or don't want change is insanity.

    I doubt that many people will read this. I don't think I'll share it on facebook or with too many people. I write this because it seems important to follow up and, if I do share, to validate other people who might be having similar issues with the site and the admin team.