Why I left Teenhelp

 This month has been a terrible month for my mental health but there was something that happened that actually freed me. It freed me from continuing to contribute to a site that continues to endorse passive bigotry. This site helped me in a lot of ways but about two years ago there was a thread created in which I pointed out the passive bigotry behind Trumps presidency. This was silenced and shut down. I contemplated leaving. I even wrote out the resignation letter but I thought it could change. It was weird to see the passive bigotry of Trumps presidency being silenced but it makes sense now that I have more information about what the leader of the site, Rob, condones.

So, in 2020, I vowed to try and make changes but I don't think I believed that would happen. I just do not think I was ready to leave the site or confront the bigotry on the site. I wish I had been because the only sadness I have about this situation is how my silence might have contributed to the passive bigotry and how I might have inadvertently harmed people.

There was a post that was made by a incel and a user that is exceptionally hateful and bigoted. This post was passive aggressively bashing lesbian and bi woman and accusing them of being BPD and victims of trauma who needed a man to save them. I took issue with this and so did my best friend. The site, as a whole, did not. The user should have been banned and he could have been banned but per Rob, he was not being hateful. Rob deleted the entirety of the post but for some reason couldn't justify banning the user.

This incident led to my friend making the choice to leave. He was in talks with Rob and I saw those PM's and Rob continued to justify bigotry. There was a lot of justification which was kind of gross but I wasn't surprised which is probably why I didn't speak out sooner. I knew where TH would fall and I wasn't ready to leave.

Anyway, the topic of passive bigotry and transphobia were brought up. These things contributed to my friend leaving and that same week he decided to leave, the site did a Harry Potter event.

I tried to talk about the issues. I asked them to address what led to my friend leaving. They took issue with that and mentioned how I didn't talk much in a meeting we recently had. This was kind of comical because I had graduated the day of that meeting and there wasn't a ton I could contribute. I was still driving home when the meeting was taking place and I wasn't able to contribute as much. And, given the way the meeting was going it didn't seem like there was a point to bring up the bigotry.

There was a post from Rob where he said I was blaming everyone and not taking any blame and I corrected him and said "I do take blame" and I explained that I should have spoken up sooner.

The thread that really did it all in for me was when a user posted a thread that wanted to discuss banning the discussion of JK Rowling and in that thread they said if they ban discussion of her, they will have to ban discussion of transphobia. What started this was because I pointed out the issue with Harry Potter day and said the site should apologize to the users they harmed with that. After seeing this post I knew there was no changing the site. They were going to consistently choose bigotry. I made my last comment or two and then screenshot everything (because I saw that they were gaslighting me and I wanted proof). 

As I was doing that a user that I considered a friend sent me a very hateful message that was inappropriate and inexcusable. She accused me of being irrational etc. I was already planning on leaving at this point but this message confirmed that there are too many people within TH that want to keep things as they are and they don't like being called out on the bigotry that they allow.

 I sent Rob the resignation letter that I had drafted. Added a few quick things to discuss the topic of 'banning' discussion on transphobia if we ban discussion on JK Rowling and I resigned. In leaving I made the decision to post a thread about why I left. I initially wasn't going to because I knew that people like Rob would take offense to it but I wanted to give voice to what was going on within the site and what drove someone who had been there since 2007 to leave. At some point Rob and the PC's mad the choice to comment on that thread and it was full of gaslighting. I mentioned the response to my friend and said "they aren't silencing but this post seems a heck of a lot like silencing." My friend read through it and their first response was "ew that's a lot of gaslighting on Rob's part." I know this friend basically thanked me for writing the leaving thread that I did because it made him feel heard and seen and that made me sad. I am a cis individual and it took my leaving thread to make my friend feel seen within a site that is supposed to be all about acceptance.

 And that is what I faced on the site from the very beginning.  People gaslit me left and right.  I likely lost two friends over this and I suppose I should be sad about that but I don't have the time or place for people in my life that choose to gaslight people and choose to condone passive bigotry.

The topping on the cake was that Rob sent my friend a final PM and in it there was a ton of transphobia and acceptance of passive bigotry. I even told my friend that the grossest part of this was Robs active defense of transphobia.

Here are the two main things I took away from that PM (I have a copy of the response but it is not mine to share so I will do a summary):

-Rob said "We need to be sure to allow all sides the freedom to discuss things without bias. 

    In theory this is true but there are times when we very much need to allow our bias to prevent hateful rhetoric and teenhelp refuses to do that. I even read this response to my husband...this man is mild mannered and he tells me when I am wrong....and his response was 'that sounds a lot like the people that think we should give voice to nazi's." And, it was, this was exactly what Rob and TH are condoning. Don't get me wrong, they wouldn't allow active bigotry but they are fine with continuing to allow passive bigotry under the guise of 'both sides need a voice' and this is entirely untrue. Sometimes one side is hateful and wrong and needs to be told and have their voice taken away.

-The other thing Rob did was justify transphobia centered around bathrooms. He legitimately said "For some people the bathrooms might be about transphobia but for others it is about sexual assault and we cannot take away the voice of one person."

    This is entirely wrong. One can have feelings that are valid but wrong and need to have them dealt with. An example could be if someone was attacked by a person within a certain group and they started to develop racist beliefs because of that. Their feelings and fear are valid but that does not condone or excuse the racism and hate that they are practicing. Any good therapist would work to fix this issue and any good ally would work to condemn this thought process.

The PM came a bit after I left and a bit after the gas lighting response to my leaving thread. It just confirmed that I needed to leave. The site won't change if the main admin holds these transphobic and bigoted views. The passive bigotry will continue.

The only thing the site is willing to do to combat the bigotry is publish content and content isn't enough to combat passive bigotry. We can use the world as an example. There is content about racism, homophobia, transphobia etc and we still see this taking place. What we need in the world and on TH is policy that condemns the passive bigotry. Like with the world, too many people on TH hold the views of Rob and will continue to support the passive bigotry.

One thing I like to think is that if more people saw the bigoted response Rob sent my friend (even people who are part of admin) their views of the site and Rob might change but people continually surprise me.

All I know is that I walked away because I could not keep contributing to a site where the main admin team were okay with bigotry and their solution is 'content' instead of focusing on policy that might help. I even saw them ignore a post by a user who basically said that to prevent homophobia and transphobia etc we should have a blanket policy of banning individuals who do this. I can't help but feel this response was ignored because the admin knew if they addressed this response with the same response that they gave my friend, they would turn a lot of people off.

Essentially, I can't help but think that they know their response of 'everyone deserves to be heard' and 'transphobia can be justified' would be met with pushback. 

Don't get me wrong, Rob was quick to say he didn't think transgender individuals were dangerous. He was just justifying transphobia on the site. He also didn't hesitate to try and get my friend to contribute to their LGBTQIA+ content for June where LGBTQIA+ individuals are going to share their stories....while he, in my opinion, invalidated and demeaned the concerns he brought forward.

I can say I am sad that I left TH the way that I did but only because I have been sitting here wondering how my silence might have hurt people. I go back to a PO who was the victim of crime by someone of color and blog posts she kept posting with racist stuff. It bothered me at the time but I didn't use my voice to say anything. I should have but even back then I had a feeling teenhelp would condemn me for doing so. If I remember correctly she was promoted to PO even after she was making these comments and it seems unacceptable now that I look back. 

The one thing I take away from this is that I won't let myself be silenced or gaslit any more. I won't be going back to Teenhelp and after the hateful response I received I don't feel sad about it. I do feel sad for the users that are going to be/are being harmed by TH. Users that might not have a voice like I did but would it matter if they used that voice? Early on during this my friend was adamant that we were being chased off the site. I was still unsure and thought that was harsh but with all the information I have, that is exactly what happened. My friend was quicker to see it but I hung on to hope for TH for a long while.

TH has still refused to apologize for the Harry Potter day. Rob even mentioned to my friend how there were two people on staff that had no idea that JK Rowling was TERF and now they have learned. Like that justifies supporting an authors work who continues to harm the trans community. It doesn't. It is just one more indication that the site is being run by bigoted individuals who do not care to do the right thing. The right thing would have been to acknowledge the mistake they made. Every single organization makes mistakes. The ones that last are the ones that acknowledge those mistakes and move to do better. There was even a thread where individuals mentioned the issue with Harry Potter day and Rob continued to excuse it. He even mentioned to my friend that I had access to the events side of things and never said anything. This was an exceptionally comical observation on his part because I had told him and another PC that I would not be participating in anything to do with events. I explained to them that the PO they promoted (the one who had been racist in blogs) was too difficult to deal with and it was best for my well-being to disengage. It is apparent that they forgot that I made the boundary.

This situation should make me sad and it doesn't which tells me it was the right choice to have made. Rob's pm to my friend definitely confirmed that it was the right decision. I do not doubt that we will see more LGBTQIA+ and even POC content over the next year or two...but that is likely all we will see because content is their answer to it all even though content only scratches the surface.

The site is not a safe place and I hope that other users are not harmed by that realization. That realization could have harmed me if I understood it when I was in a worse place. The site is losing activity and sometimes I have been asking myself if the passive bigotry has been contributing to that. I believe that a lot of the stuff the site allows will be a deterrent to many users. It was a deterrent to me and the only reason I stayed as long as I did was because I had a sort of codependency on the site. The site seems to have a lot of long time users and struggles with gaining/maintaining new users. Now that my eyes have been open I can't help but question if this might be some of it.

Rob made a comment that he doesn't want an echo chamber on the site...they have an echo chamber that condones and endorses passive bigotry and they chase out anyone who voices the discontent.