Follow up to Leaving Teenhelp

     I thought about writing this at the end of December but I finally caught Covid and I started a new job so my anxiety was not doing that well. I have recovered from Covid and I seem to be doing well and loving my new job. I am doing so well that they took me off orientation a week early. It's the perfect role for me and it will help me reach my dream career goal.

    I honestly have been struggling with anxiety the end of December and early January so this blog escaped me. I also don't feel as compelled to write it as I once did because the healing and freedom I have written. So, why am I writing it? Because I have heard about frustrations pertaining to the site that have exemplified the validity and need for me to leave.

    When I left, I had someone tell me I was being angry and confrontational and no one wanted to deal with me. That person then blocked me and did not allow me to respond. My response would have been simple. "It is fine if you feel that way but this is necessary." And, I see that teenhelp has not changed. They still have people in charge that condone ableism, bigotry and all other prejudices. The fact that I am learning it has not changed has allowed me to get validation for leaving. The site won't change. The site is like a mini version of the world. Things are changing but the systems in place and the people don't want too and they continue to live in the past and condone harmful and immoral beliefs.

    I think, when it comes down to it, that is what led me to leave. My ethics and values were in question and I knew I needed to leave because I couldn't continue to speak out against things like bigotry and prejudice if I stayed. One thing I will admit, is there was a period of time where I thought that maybe I could have been less confrontational and more informative. I felt bad about it for a while but the more I evaluated and thought about it, the more I understood that it was necessary. My last job required me to advocate for clients and sometimes you did have to be confrontational. Unfortunately, when you are confrontational and people don't want to acknowledge the issues or change, they try and shut you up or place blame at your feet.. That happened with pretty much everyone on the site. That silence is also, likely a big reason why things won't change. The site is dying and the administrative team is hanging on to the last vestiges of that dying site and by doing so they are hanging on to beliefs and values that are harmful.

    I chose to stop being complicit in that bigotry and I am proud of myself. I don't look back and I don't regret it. When I sent the resignation email, I was so worried I would regret it and stepping away helped me see how toxic the site is and how they aren't a help site. They coddle people and do more harm than good. It took years for me to get to a place where I could step away and then when I did I had all these epiphanies about the toxicity and negativity and harm it does.

    I think that's when I let go of my anger over the situation. I haven't been angry about it in ages. I barely even think about it. I have grown and moved on but I don't hide my feelings or the reasons I left. There might be people on social media who see me continuing to occasionally voice my issues with Teenhelp and it might make them upset but that is okay. Someone has to be open about the harms of the site. It might not make a huge different but it might help some individuals see that others notice the issues that existed/exist. It might validate others own worries, concerns or aggravation with the site.

    I wish nothing but the best for the people that are choosing to stay on the site. I also know that in some people's views I am the villain of the story and nothing that occurred was wrong. The admin team didn't gaslight me or condone transphobia etc. This used to bother me a lot. It doesn't anymore. I am okay with people needing to believe what they need to believe. We all have our own opinions and beliefs on situations. I know I did what was right. I couldn't stay quiet about the bigotr. It is never going to be surprising to see or hear that things haven't changed. I just hope other people will realize that they can't fix it and leave sooner than I did. It isn't worth the aggravation.

   Some people on the site blamed me for the reason the issues wouldn't be resolved but I was right when I knew the site wouldn't change because the admin team condoned that behavior.

    The only thing I regret is losing a friendship that I valued but I don't hold any anger or resentment. I feel sad that was the choice made but I also understand it. For the longest time I thought I needed Teenhelp a lot more than I did and I was blinded to the ableism and bigotry. If the situation that unfolded had happened back when I was blind to it, I probably would have walked away from the friendship too. 

    That's probably the key thing I have taken away from this. I have let go of my frustration and anger. I have accepted it for what it is and I understand that things will not change. It is sad. It will probably always make me sad because Teenhelp could have done some good in this day and age if they were willing to stop condoning bigotry. Not only have I been able to let go of my anger, I have been able to accept that many of the people on the site see me as the bad guy. This is something that I used to always worry about and try to avoid. I worried so much it would sometimes impact my decisions within relationships or my job. That has changed and that growth has been helping me immensely in my new career. I also know it isn't so black and white. I know the reaction I had was necessary but I also look back and realize it was pointless and I should have just left. Trying to fight a system of people that won't speak out or don't want change is insanity.

    I doubt that many people will read this. I don't think I'll share it on facebook or with too many people. I write this because it seems important to follow up and, if I do share, to validate other people who might be having similar issues with the site and the admin team.

Why I left Teenhelp

 This month has been a terrible month for my mental health but there was something that happened that actually freed me. It freed me from continuing to contribute to a site that continues to endorse passive bigotry. This site helped me in a lot of ways but about two years ago there was a thread created in which I pointed out the passive bigotry behind Trumps presidency. This was silenced and shut down. I contemplated leaving. I even wrote out the resignation letter but I thought it could change. It was weird to see the passive bigotry of Trumps presidency being silenced but it makes sense now that I have more information about what the leader of the site, Rob, condones.

So, in 2020, I vowed to try and make changes but I don't think I believed that would happen. I just do not think I was ready to leave the site or confront the bigotry on the site. I wish I had been because the only sadness I have about this situation is how my silence might have contributed to the passive bigotry and how I might have inadvertently harmed people.

There was a post that was made by a incel and a user that is exceptionally hateful and bigoted. This post was passive aggressively bashing lesbian and bi woman and accusing them of being BPD and victims of trauma who needed a man to save them. I took issue with this and so did my best friend. The site, as a whole, did not. The user should have been banned and he could have been banned but per Rob, he was not being hateful. Rob deleted the entirety of the post but for some reason couldn't justify banning the user.

This incident led to my friend making the choice to leave. He was in talks with Rob and I saw those PM's and Rob continued to justify bigotry. There was a lot of justification which was kind of gross but I wasn't surprised which is probably why I didn't speak out sooner. I knew where TH would fall and I wasn't ready to leave.

Anyway, the topic of passive bigotry and transphobia were brought up. These things contributed to my friend leaving and that same week he decided to leave, the site did a Harry Potter event.

I tried to talk about the issues. I asked them to address what led to my friend leaving. They took issue with that and mentioned how I didn't talk much in a meeting we recently had. This was kind of comical because I had graduated the day of that meeting and there wasn't a ton I could contribute. I was still driving home when the meeting was taking place and I wasn't able to contribute as much. And, given the way the meeting was going it didn't seem like there was a point to bring up the bigotry.

There was a post from Rob where he said I was blaming everyone and not taking any blame and I corrected him and said "I do take blame" and I explained that I should have spoken up sooner.

The thread that really did it all in for me was when a user posted a thread that wanted to discuss banning the discussion of JK Rowling and in that thread they said if they ban discussion of her, they will have to ban discussion of transphobia. What started this was because I pointed out the issue with Harry Potter day and said the site should apologize to the users they harmed with that. After seeing this post I knew there was no changing the site. They were going to consistently choose bigotry. I made my last comment or two and then screenshot everything (because I saw that they were gaslighting me and I wanted proof). 

As I was doing that a user that I considered a friend sent me a very hateful message that was inappropriate and inexcusable. She accused me of being irrational etc. I was already planning on leaving at this point but this message confirmed that there are too many people within TH that want to keep things as they are and they don't like being called out on the bigotry that they allow.

 I sent Rob the resignation letter that I had drafted. Added a few quick things to discuss the topic of 'banning' discussion on transphobia if we ban discussion on JK Rowling and I resigned. In leaving I made the decision to post a thread about why I left. I initially wasn't going to because I knew that people like Rob would take offense to it but I wanted to give voice to what was going on within the site and what drove someone who had been there since 2007 to leave. At some point Rob and the PC's mad the choice to comment on that thread and it was full of gaslighting. I mentioned the response to my friend and said "they aren't silencing but this post seems a heck of a lot like silencing." My friend read through it and their first response was "ew that's a lot of gaslighting on Rob's part." I know this friend basically thanked me for writing the leaving thread that I did because it made him feel heard and seen and that made me sad. I am a cis individual and it took my leaving thread to make my friend feel seen within a site that is supposed to be all about acceptance.

 And that is what I faced on the site from the very beginning.  People gaslit me left and right.  I likely lost two friends over this and I suppose I should be sad about that but I don't have the time or place for people in my life that choose to gaslight people and choose to condone passive bigotry.

The topping on the cake was that Rob sent my friend a final PM and in it there was a ton of transphobia and acceptance of passive bigotry. I even told my friend that the grossest part of this was Robs active defense of transphobia.

Here are the two main things I took away from that PM (I have a copy of the response but it is not mine to share so I will do a summary):

-Rob said "We need to be sure to allow all sides the freedom to discuss things without bias. 

    In theory this is true but there are times when we very much need to allow our bias to prevent hateful rhetoric and teenhelp refuses to do that. I even read this response to my husband...this man is mild mannered and he tells me when I am wrong....and his response was 'that sounds a lot like the people that think we should give voice to nazi's." And, it was, this was exactly what Rob and TH are condoning. Don't get me wrong, they wouldn't allow active bigotry but they are fine with continuing to allow passive bigotry under the guise of 'both sides need a voice' and this is entirely untrue. Sometimes one side is hateful and wrong and needs to be told and have their voice taken away.

-The other thing Rob did was justify transphobia centered around bathrooms. He legitimately said "For some people the bathrooms might be about transphobia but for others it is about sexual assault and we cannot take away the voice of one person."

    This is entirely wrong. One can have feelings that are valid but wrong and need to have them dealt with. An example could be if someone was attacked by a person within a certain group and they started to develop racist beliefs because of that. Their feelings and fear are valid but that does not condone or excuse the racism and hate that they are practicing. Any good therapist would work to fix this issue and any good ally would work to condemn this thought process.

The PM came a bit after I left and a bit after the gas lighting response to my leaving thread. It just confirmed that I needed to leave. The site won't change if the main admin holds these transphobic and bigoted views. The passive bigotry will continue.

The only thing the site is willing to do to combat the bigotry is publish content and content isn't enough to combat passive bigotry. We can use the world as an example. There is content about racism, homophobia, transphobia etc and we still see this taking place. What we need in the world and on TH is policy that condemns the passive bigotry. Like with the world, too many people on TH hold the views of Rob and will continue to support the passive bigotry.

One thing I like to think is that if more people saw the bigoted response Rob sent my friend (even people who are part of admin) their views of the site and Rob might change but people continually surprise me.

All I know is that I walked away because I could not keep contributing to a site where the main admin team were okay with bigotry and their solution is 'content' instead of focusing on policy that might help. I even saw them ignore a post by a user who basically said that to prevent homophobia and transphobia etc we should have a blanket policy of banning individuals who do this. I can't help but feel this response was ignored because the admin knew if they addressed this response with the same response that they gave my friend, they would turn a lot of people off.

Essentially, I can't help but think that they know their response of 'everyone deserves to be heard' and 'transphobia can be justified' would be met with pushback. 

Don't get me wrong, Rob was quick to say he didn't think transgender individuals were dangerous. He was just justifying transphobia on the site. He also didn't hesitate to try and get my friend to contribute to their LGBTQIA+ content for June where LGBTQIA+ individuals are going to share their stories....while he, in my opinion, invalidated and demeaned the concerns he brought forward.

I can say I am sad that I left TH the way that I did but only because I have been sitting here wondering how my silence might have hurt people. I go back to a PO who was the victim of crime by someone of color and blog posts she kept posting with racist stuff. It bothered me at the time but I didn't use my voice to say anything. I should have but even back then I had a feeling teenhelp would condemn me for doing so. If I remember correctly she was promoted to PO even after she was making these comments and it seems unacceptable now that I look back. 

The one thing I take away from this is that I won't let myself be silenced or gaslit any more. I won't be going back to Teenhelp and after the hateful response I received I don't feel sad about it. I do feel sad for the users that are going to be/are being harmed by TH. Users that might not have a voice like I did but would it matter if they used that voice? Early on during this my friend was adamant that we were being chased off the site. I was still unsure and thought that was harsh but with all the information I have, that is exactly what happened. My friend was quicker to see it but I hung on to hope for TH for a long while.

TH has still refused to apologize for the Harry Potter day. Rob even mentioned to my friend how there were two people on staff that had no idea that JK Rowling was TERF and now they have learned. Like that justifies supporting an authors work who continues to harm the trans community. It doesn't. It is just one more indication that the site is being run by bigoted individuals who do not care to do the right thing. The right thing would have been to acknowledge the mistake they made. Every single organization makes mistakes. The ones that last are the ones that acknowledge those mistakes and move to do better. There was even a thread where individuals mentioned the issue with Harry Potter day and Rob continued to excuse it. He even mentioned to my friend that I had access to the events side of things and never said anything. This was an exceptionally comical observation on his part because I had told him and another PC that I would not be participating in anything to do with events. I explained to them that the PO they promoted (the one who had been racist in blogs) was too difficult to deal with and it was best for my well-being to disengage. It is apparent that they forgot that I made the boundary.

This situation should make me sad and it doesn't which tells me it was the right choice to have made. Rob's pm to my friend definitely confirmed that it was the right decision. I do not doubt that we will see more LGBTQIA+ and even POC content over the next year or two...but that is likely all we will see because content is their answer to it all even though content only scratches the surface.

The site is not a safe place and I hope that other users are not harmed by that realization. That realization could have harmed me if I understood it when I was in a worse place. The site is losing activity and sometimes I have been asking myself if the passive bigotry has been contributing to that. I believe that a lot of the stuff the site allows will be a deterrent to many users. It was a deterrent to me and the only reason I stayed as long as I did was because I had a sort of codependency on the site. The site seems to have a lot of long time users and struggles with gaining/maintaining new users. Now that my eyes have been open I can't help but question if this might be some of it.

Rob made a comment that he doesn't want an echo chamber on the site...they have an echo chamber that condones and endorses passive bigotry and they chase out anyone who voices the discontent.

Police Brutality needs to end

 Everything is challenging.

I am sick and tired of the systemic racism. Seeing the justification for the murder of unarmed people of color. Little boys with their hands up. Woman sleeping in their beds.

Here's the thing, I am not an all cops are bad person. I have had plenty of good encounters with police but I have also witnessed police being aggressive.

Why do doctors, social workers and many other people oriented careers require a license and accountability...yet police get some flimsy training and then we are supposed to worship the ground they walk.

I deal with aggressive and hostile people. I get threatened and I have had to learn to de-escalate. I do not get to carry any protection. Does it always work, no? But time and time again we are seeing these murders and there's no accountability.

So, yes, I don't hate all cops but I also think they need to be held accountable. My husband has said that even the military has higher standards and holds people accountable. He was in the military so I believe him.

Why is there no accountability and instead people try and say we cannot compare professions and they completely disregard the notion that....there needs to be a better system of accountability.

Our justice system is a sham. It is for profit and it doesn't rehabilitate. People get out and have no resources and reoffend. Certain crimes bar people from housing and they end up on the streets. There's all this talk of high recidivism rates...and these issues are why....but god forbid we force cops to face justice.

Now, work, I am dealing with a difficult situation. Someone is picking at me. They are being hostile and they are trying to get a response. It is so hard to be nice to them yet I do it because I would get in trouble. I do it to try and help t he client.

The Last Sun by K.D Edwards

 

    T This: Why did I read *This* book?

        This book was suggested by a friend and they had suggested it a few times. I bought it at their recommendation and after they recommended it for the 2nd or 3rd time, I decided to pick it up. We have a lot of similar thoughts on books so I trusted that it was a good recommendation. The love I have for this book and these characters makes me realize I need to read more books this friend suggested.

    A Atmosphere: How did it make me feel? What was the world like? This might include overall tone. 

        It made me feel so many things. Sadness for the characters, joy for the characters and worry for them.  I loved that there was a lot of banter because it made me laugh quite a few times.

    S Style: What was the writing style like? Simplistic or sophisticated? Clunky or beautiful?

    I think that the writing was quite good. I didn't notice any grammatical errors and I felt like K.D Edwards was able to write in a way that put me into the world. I was experiencing everything with the characters. Books where I feel like I am walking side by side with the authors tend to get high ratings from me and the minute I picked up the book and read the prologue, I was hooked.

    P Plot/Pace: Was it engaging? Were there holes? Did it feel too rushed or too long?

        I was engaged the entire time. I didn't feel like the book was too long or that it dragged in any places. The author kept up a steady pace of action with some information thrown in and a lot of character development and building.

    E Enjoyment: Was it a chore to finish or compelling enough that I picked it over other fun           activities?

        I absolutely loved it. I rated it 5 stars. I use CAWPILE to rate books and I gave it 10's across the board. It was phenomenal. The author made me fall in love with the characters in a very short time and that can be rare to find.

    C Characters: Were they believable, sympathetic, interesting?

        The characters were believable and engaging. I absolutely adored them and the relationships that were introduced. I want to see more of all the characters. 

Amari and The Night Brothers by B.B. Alston

 

        A Atmosphere: How did it make me feel? What was the world like? This might include overall tone. 

    This book was phenomenal. I was happy, sad and mad. I felt the emotions that Amari felt. The world was phenomenal as well. It was our world with fantasy elements thrown in. I love when books like this are written.  It was lighthearted while also tackling things like racism and discrimination and prejudice. It tackled poverty a bit as well.

    S Style: What was the writing style like? Simplistic or sophisticated? Clunky or beautiful?

    The writing style was more simplistic but I believe that is because it is middle grade. I still felt the world and the characters come to life and it was great. Every character seemed real and it takes a special book to have that effect. 

There were some minor editing issues that could have been fixed with another read through by an editor. This did not detract from the story.

    P Plot/Pace: Was it engaging? Were there holes? Did it feel too rushed or too long?

    I was engaged the entire time. I didn't want to put the book down and if I didn't have work I probably would have stayed up late into the night reading it. I didn't notice that many plot holes. It's possible the adults were a bit less mature or realistic than they would be in the real world but that was quite minor.

    E Enjoyment: Was it a chore to finish or compelling enough that I picked it over other fun           activities?

    I wish that the second and third book were out because this is a series I would love to Binge. I want to find out what happens to Amari, her brother and all the other characters that are introduced. I felt in love with them and want more, now!

    C Characters: Were they believable, sympathetic, interesting?

    The characters and the world were the best part of this book. I loved Amari and the love she had for her brother. The friendships that were developed and the side characters that wee introduced. I found myself rooting them all on.

    T This: Why did I read *This* book?

    I have read mostly Middle Grade so far in January and I had this book pre-ordered. I had been hearing great things, it had a black main character and was written by a black author. I want to read more books by POC and this book sounded really good so I figured I should read it while I was in the mood for Middle Grade.

 Overall, five stars and I am eagerly anticipating the second book.

 

Frostheart by Jaime Littler

 

 T This: Why did I read *This* book?

     I have been hearing a lot of good things about this series and so I wanted to give it a try. I do not read a lot of middle grade which is why it has taken so long for me to get to it. 

 C Characters: Were they believable, sympathetic, interesting? 

    The characters were so amazing. I absolutely loved all the characters. I felt connected to the side characters and the main characters and I love the way their friendships developed.

 P Plot/Pace: Was it engaging? Were there holes? Did it feel too rushed or too long? 

    I felt that this started out slow and  built from there. There was quite  a bit of action and amazing friendships.

   A Atmosphere: How did it make me feel? What was the world like? This might include overall tone. 

    The world was exciting and 'scary' and there was a lot of adventure. There were monsters and Ash was a song weaver who could talk to and control the monsters. The world seems unique and I absolutely loved it.

    S Style: What was the writing style like? Simplistic or sophisticated? Clunky or beautiful?

          This is a middle grade novel so it was more simplistic but I thought that the author was         able to make the characters come alive.

    E Enjoyment: Was it a chore to finish or compelling enough that I picked it over other fun           activities?

        It did take a while for me to get into this novel. I think it took till about page 80 but  once I     got into it, I was hooked and could not put the novel down.

This is a middle grade novel so I think that some people will not be interested in it but I rated it a 4 star. I thought it was wholesome and I loved the happy feelings it gave me. Sometimes you need books that make you happy and this was one of them. I have a full list of books to read this month but I think I'll try and get to the second book sometime soon

 

The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah

 

     T This: Why did I read *This* book?

    This was a reread. I read this book in 2016 and it has stuck with me since. This is a book I recommend to people. I have gifted it four or five times. I gifted this for my wedding (that didn't happen because COVID but...oh well). This book is one that I think everyone should read. 

    I have been wanting to reread this book for quite some time but I kept putting it off. Recently I felt in the mood for something sad and something familiar. This was glaring at me and telling me to pick it up. I had to listen. It was so good to be back in this world even though it is a book that rips your heart out and stomps on it.

    A Atmosphere: How did it make me feel? What was the world like? This might include overall tone. 

    I felt so many things while reading this. It is a WWII historical fiction and seeing the suffering slowly unfold was heartbreaking. Seeing the people murdered and hated for being different was hard.  

    I used to read WWII historical fiction and wonder how that could happen? How could people stand by and let all that happen and then 2016-2020 happened and I realized that so many people can be complicit in hatred. So many people can embrace the systemic racism that they get caught up in it and things like this happened. You'd think we would learn from our history but it seems like hate will always be prevalent in our society.

    The world came to life. My anger and sadness were palpable.  It takes a good writer to make me fall in love with a place I have never been especially when that place is set during a horrible time in history.

    S Style: What was the writing style like? Simplistic or sophisticated? Clunky or beautiful?

    The writing style made the characters and world come to life. It was eloquent and beautiful and I felt like I was standing beside the characters while they were going through the scenes.

    P Plot/Pace: Was it engaging? Were there holes? Did it feel too rushed or too long?

    The plot was engaging and hooked me right from the start. It was reread but there were things I did not remember and they hit me hard. I think it was evenly paced and you got to see the growth and change in the characters over the years that the book takes place.

    E Enjoyment: Was it a chore to finish or compelling enough that I picked it over other fun           activities?

    Enjoyment is a difficult one because this is a depressing book but at the same time it gives you hope and makes you believe that there are good people in the world. You see that characters and people are able to grow and change and I always love when we see that within a story.

    C Characters: Were they believable, sympathetic, interesting?

    All the characters were believable. I fell in love with the two main characters, Vianne and Isabelle. They were so different and so stubborn and they made so many mistakes along the way. They felt so real and seeing their growth and the exploration of changes humans go through was fundamental to the book.

    The side characters seemed just as real and just as fleshed out. Sometimes side characters get lost in the main plot of the book but that did not happen here. Without the side characters the story would have been less full and less believeable

This was a five star and I will continue recommending it.